Rochester, NY April 23, 1994 -- Federal Drug Enforcement Agency agents today successfully raided the headquarters of Ambrosia Software. Technical Service Manager Cajun Richard led police on a two mile chase at speeds well over 25 mph before they succeeded in shooting out the rear tire of his Schwinn. Ambrosia ringleader Andrew Welch seemed calm and complacent being led away in chains by people in black leather jackets until he was told that they were the police. Ambrosia flunky John Haley was found hiding under his desk with a twinkie and bottle of Snapple. After lengthy questioning, several employees were released. One Andrew Welch still remains behind bars.
DEA sources indicated that today's raid was the cumulation of a lengthy undercover operation directed against America's latest form of controlled substance abuse; Controlled Substance Software (CSS) A deadly combination of microchip technology, white collar crime and controlled substance distribution, CSS has the potential to overshadow America's obsession with crack, cocaine and heroin. Agent Russell Narcowitz of the DEA says:
"This new situation is potentially more dangerous then all other substance abuse problems combined. Unlike past drug abuse cases, the majority of CSS addicts are completely unaware of what is happening. One minute you are a productive, dedicated worker sitting at you're desk, and within minutes you can be reduced to a drooling, mindless, drone. Addiction can be instantaneous. This is going to make crack look like bubble gum."
Besides the instantaneous addiction, authorities are faced with enforcement problems never encountered before. Distribution takes place on all levels of society. CSS is being found in our schools, malls and places of business. It has now become a common occurrence in major metropolitan areas to walk into rest rooms and see people sliding diskettes from stall to stall. In addition to these traditional routes, CSS also is inherently adapted to electronic distribution. No longer will addicts have to hunt down dealers on street corners to get their fix, it can be transmitted directly to their homes.
As in the alleged case involving Ambrosia Software, most of the CSS production takes place within the borders of the continental United States. No longer will law enforcement agencies have a clearly outlined front line to defend in the ongoing war on drugs. Small software labs are popping up across the nation in dens, garages and dorm rooms.
"Most of the stuff produced is not a problem," says Dr. Peter Oudt, Director of the Institute for CSS Recovery, "but some of the programs out there are potent. CSS addicts used to lesser games will come across titles such as Maelstrom and Chiral and think nothing of downloading them directly into their system. They just have no concept of what is in store for them when they try to interact with these uncut programs. I think our only hope is to return to an agrarian society."
Recent studies indicate that CSS is following in the deadly footsteps of some of its predecessors. Addiction can be passed between family members, friends and from mothers to their unborn babies. CSS addicts spend so much time fulfilling their addictive needs that they start neglecting work, relationships and their day to day chores. User ghettos are sprouting up in several cities with high CSS usage. Lawns go uncut, letters are overflowing from unemptied mailboxes and an eerie hush overshadows the neighborhood as users seclude themselves in their houses, only scurrying out to compare scores. High levels of divorce and job loss were original signatures of this spreading problem, but these levels have dropped as addicts seduce spouses and employers into their addictive gaming webs.
Authorities claim a small but important victory with the break up of Ambrosia. Faced with an insurmountable task, authorities decided to go for the top of the problem. It seems Ambrosia is responsible for fabricating some of the more serious CSS derivatives responsible for this techno-plague. Although little can be done for the strains already released into society, the DEA hopes that with the dissolution of Ambrosia, further killer CSS titles can be averted.
The Ambrosia CSS ring was busted with the help of an inside informer, whom the authorities refused to identify. Our sources indicate that this informer most likely is one Hector D. Byrd, a recent immigrant from sub-Sahara Africa who offered to cooperate with authorities after being arrested on several counts of assault and illegal flight.
Whether Byrd's testimony will stand up in court is yet to be seen. The Federal Prosecutor, Ilene Onhue, seems confident:
"I feel I will have no problem convicting Mr. Welch of his heinous crimes against society..."Before Ms. Onhue is given the chance to prove guilt, she first faces the task of weeding CSS junkies out of the prospective jury. These glassy eyed gamers are everywhere, and it is easily conceivable that just one citizen may hang the jury in exchange for Beta testing privileges.
Immediately following release the Ambrosia staff fled to parts unknown. Federal authorities nationwide have been put on alert and America's Most Wanted plans on featuring these fugitives in their next episode.