by John Haley
Ever since Andrew released his first software title (a CAD program for Lego he coded while in preschool) people have written in with questions about his programming ability. Some users ask for advice on existing projects, some want hints on what are good resources for a beginning programmer, and still others inquire about the possibility of spawning his love child.
Well, in this issue of The Ambrosia Times we'll try to uncover some of the secrets of Andrew's programming ability. With the advent of the new PowerPC platform, Macintosh developers have had to study up on all sorts of new hardware requirements, toolbox routines, and emulation solutions. Ambrosia has yet to release any title optimized for the new platform, but we're gearing up for the task.
Now would be a good opportunity to see how Andrew prepares himself for this exciting new world of software development.
Ambrosia Times: Andrew, I noticed a few new titles about the PowerPC platform in the reference library. How far have you gotten studying up on this new processor and its amazing capabilities?
Andrew: Actually, those books are purely for reference and indexing. I do not plan on reading any of those completely through. Reading, a biological form of optical scanning, is a notoriously slow and unreliable method for entering data into a processor.
Ambrosia Times: Err? I am not sure if I am following you completely.
Andrew: That's OK John, I know when it comes to technical matters you're sort of DOSish. I'll explain a little further. The brain is one of the most advanced central processing units (CPU) ever developed.
Ambrosia Times: The brain?
Andrew: Yes, the brain, don't interrupt. Whereas traditional manufactured CPU's rely mostly on electromagnetic impulses, the brain uses something more similar to electrical chemical. This allows for speeds simply unattainable using present manufacturing methods. Also, electrochemical data storage allows for a more fluid (forgive me) archiving, transfer, and referencing methodology.
The emulation capability of the brain alone is staggering. Input is possible using any of a number of senses, often combining the senses to achieve the greatest clarification possible. All of that input is immediately broken down into common code and available immediately for use.
Ambrosia Times: OK, but where does this involve learning how to develop for the new PowerPC architecture.
Andrew: Simple, for quite a while now, I have had a mother board implanted within my cranium. This allows my brain to emulate input for a Macintosh. Data, communications, and concepts can be stored or produced in code readily usable for the Macintosh platform.
Ambrosia Times: I See. Yes, so how is all this neat code transferred from the recesses of your mind to a floppy?
Andrew: Well, unfortunately I have not found a socially acceptable way to transfer the data as fast as I can process it.
Ambrosia Times: Socially acceptable?
Andrew: Have you ever seen someone with a SCSI cable hanging out of their nose?
Ambrosia Times: Oh, I understand.
Andrew: Yes, so unfortunately I still have to type to get the good stuff out. Otherwise our program development time would be significantly reduced.
Ambrosia Times: What about some of the traditional hardware design problems such as space and cooling?
Andrew: Space is not a problem, I have a big head. Cooling is what my Harley Davidson is for. Whenever I get into serious coding, I take my Harley out for a ride without a helmet on to let the wind blow across my head. Since this is illegal in New York state, I usually go late at night, turn my lights off, and drive really fast. I find this is the best way.
Ambrosia Times: I see. How about the upgrade to PowerPC?
Andrew: To upgrade I just have to change mother boards.
Ambrosia Times: Mother boards?
Andrew: Yes, you know. The one in my head.
Ambrosia Times: Yuck, is this going to be messy?
Andrew: Are you kidding. Operating platforms have changed so much I have it down to a science. Watch.
What follows is a delicate surgical operation, not for the faint of heart.
This procedure isn't as complicated as it sounds. Basically, you just have to make sure that the surgeon can sit through a gory horror movie. Once we pop Andrew's lid, we don't want a case of "skull-barf."
First, the beast is anesthetized. You have no idea how many Guinesses that took. Once unconscious, start feeling around the cranium for an optimum point of entry. Since Andrew has had this procedure performed before, there is a telltale scar. His ear works too.
Once you find a good zipper spot, it's as simple as slicing ham. When making the initial incision, do not be afraid to really lean into it. If the knife slips a little too deep, chances are the installee won't notice the installer's error. Andrew always did like Jello anyway.
Sorry, due to a surgical mishap, the remaining details of this procedure are unavailable at press time.
The "surgeon" is now incarcerated at a maximum security Federal institution for the criminally slightly off-balanced. The guinea pig, err, I mean patient, is expected to recover nicely, all things considered.