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Cook's Catatonically Scared Corner

by John Cook

Hi Folks!!!

As the Office Manager/Accountant/Fall Guy for Ambrosia Software, I have learned that I work with a lot of guys that have escaped from a bad Animal House movie sequel. For the most part, this is fine. I have a sense of humor, they are great guys, and we have a lot of fun. But today I am at the wrong end of a practical joke that a poor computer know-nothing like me can only sit and take until the clowns of mire and computers decide to let me off the hook.

It started as a quick harmless joke on Jason (resident marketing genius and chess victim). Jason is a very trusting soul who leaves his wallet out all the time. I (in an innocent attempt to show him the error of his way) moved his wallet from the half wall around his office to the higher wall between us. I intended to wait until he noticed that his wallet was not were he left it and return it to him with the reminder that this is what could happen if a stranger came into the office. As you can see, I had only the purest of motives in this situation (I do have to have my wings and halo cleaned soon).

Unfortunately, Jason did not notice over the next 4 hours, and I forgot to give it back to him before I left for the day. The next thing I know about it, Jason is calling me at home late at night asking if I know where his wallet is. Being half asleep and the other half dumb as stones, I did not know what he was talking about. I told him to look on the wall between our offices without admitting that I moved his wallet. He said that it was not there and asked if he could look through my office. Assuming that it must have fallen, I told him he could.

When I came in the next morning I found the wallet still on the shelf between us. I placed it back on the half wall in front of Jason's office. When he came in a few hours later, I gave him back his wallet and came clean. (Biggest mistake I have made since coming to work at this home for the criminally insane) He let me know in no uncertain terms how much time he had spent looking for the wallet and how displeased he was with me at the moment (he did calm down after he hung me out of the window by my heels for half an hour). But after a while we were friendly again, I bought him breakfast as a peace offering, he told the rest of the staff. I was correctly embarassed, and took my fifty lashes with a wet noodle as a man, and thought that the story was done. WRONG!!!!!!!!!

I forgot that I worked with people who are creative, love a good practical joke (so long as it is not on them), have no idea of when to go home, and have a real mean streak. I can into the office today as usual, turned on my computer as usual, and usual left. I am working on another computer this morning as my computer has become processed by a demon. I have no idea how they did this, but my computer is:

  1. Showing a screen that states if I press a button, all my data with be lost for all time.
  2. My computer is burping at me. Not just burping, but Godzilla Burping. It is rattling the window fans!!!
  3. I can not turn my computer off, or turn the sound down.
  4. Every minute the screen turns to a scene inwhich a pitiful character is shown walking thru a snow storm crying "Where is my wallet? I will starve without the money in my wallet!!". The scene then turns to a picture of a somewhat rotund character being hanged at the gallows while the death march is being played in the back ground. Like I said, these guys have way to much time on their hands.
So I will be siting here in the office, listening to the burping of the dead in stereo, watching myself being hanged for the next 2 to 3 hours until Jason is due in. Jason!! David!! everyone!! I am sorry!!! Please forgive this lowly PC user as he does not know any better!!! Forgive!!! Forgive!!!

PS - If any of you out there in the real world can think of a way to not only get even but be a few points ahead e-mail me at John@AmbrosiaSW.com. Remember, I am not computer wizard, will not do it if it is illegal and I do not want to be fired!!

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