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Up Close and Personal with Ben Heffron

Ambrosia Times - Hey, you with the "kick me" sign on your back! Who are you?

Ben Heffron - Ben Heffron, or sometimes Mr. Heffer, or Heffer. I also like DaHeffer... buts thats just my screenname...

AT - Well, groovy! I think I have heard about you. You're the new kid in town, right?

BH - Which town, the one the one percenters have taken over? If that town, no. If Rochacha, yes. I moved here eighteen years ago... hmm.. thats right around when I was born, weird...

AT - Oh, cool. Did you notice that your initials are the same as the initials for someone named "Butt Head"? But anyway, on with this interview. What do you do for Ambrosia as an intern?

BH - I am an integral part of the developmental feedback loop. I am also studying interpersonal relationships in a small office setting.

AT - What the heck is a feedback loop?

BH - They kick me, I say "ow". It works really well believe it or not. And if I don't put the chair together right, they kick me more.

AT - Interpersonal relationships? What kind of horsepuckey is that?

BH - I think the military might be offended if I give the clear meaning of that phrase.

AT - Didn't you really come here just to play games all day?

BH - Truthfully, yes.

AT - Ah. I see. But the people at Ambrosia don't let you play that much, do they?

BH - Thats classified.

AT - Do they abuse you?

BH - No.

The Matt guy has given me bribes, err... incentives, to do more work in the form of edible foods.

AT - What's the most interesting thing that you have done since coming to Ambrosia?

BH - I would have to say that the most interesting thing I have done was to examine very closely certain magazines in your shelves. The second most interesting thing I have done is to have been offered up as a slave. That was quite the harrowing experience!

AT - Has Hector tried to eat your eyeballs yet? He almost got Tom Langworthy, but Jason and Matt saved him from certain blindness.

BH - No, he missed out on the chance to get my eyes because I did not look under the table, but he did try to get my fingers!

AT - If you could add one kind of plant to Ambrosia's office, what kind would it be?

BH - well, after noting how cool your vine like alien plant is, I would have to say that any plant after that one would looks most diminishing, unless of course it could do some novel thing like eat flies, or utilize bird excrement as food. so I would have to say that I would bring in a fly eating, excrement utilizing herring plant. They are an exoctic plant that only grow on the plains of Kownia.

AT - If you were in space, and could bring any food with you, what would it be?

BH - Hmm... that is a tough question, but I think I would have to say that I would bring along with me a nice big vat of spaghetti.

AT - And let's not forget this important question: You've had physics training, right?

BH - Yes, I attended Lori's School of Physics. It was most interesting... now I know how to stop a car with one finger!

AT - So if you were on a spaceship traveling at the speed of light, and E was equal to MC squared, and suddenly a 233Mhz Apple iMac ($1299) and a Compaq PII 400 ($much more) appeared next to you in the ship, would the G3 smoke the Pentium II like it does here on earth? Or would they all run at the same speed because the lightspeed travel generates too much stray electron friction in each of the processors?

BH - Well, with all the physics training I have had, I know that the iMac would burn the Compaq because when traveling at lightspeed, the computers are traveling relevant to you and so are running at their normal speeds. This means that the iMac would take the Compaq, and rightfully throw it out the hatch, thereby saving all of mankind from ever experiencing anything but bliss.

AT - Well, thanks Ben. I'm glad Ambrosia has an intern to clear these things up. What would we do without you?

BH - Well, being an integral part of their development feedback loop, I fell that without me, Hector would have to learn to read, type, and talk on phones. I also think you would have no more chairs in the office as there would not be anyone left to put them together.

AT - Ok. Now get back to work, or we'll just have to get medieval on your punk buttocks.

BH - I HAVE to have the last word! hahahaha!

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